The Comfort of Routine

The past years of heartaches, challenges, a cross-country move, and new demanding job had taken its toll on this once happily married woman, with children. The children were really "displaced teenagers" who had never lived any other place than the Sunshine State. Several years ago, the widow's family formed a caravan of a large Budget moving truck, another 15 foot truck, and a fully packed F150 Ford truck.


Moving to the cornfields of Indiana would require major adjustments on everyone. Some members of the family would survive the move, better than others. The inside contents of the Ford Truck contained 5 short-haired cats with a Border Collie –Lab mix and Cocker Spaniel in various travel containers and kennels in the back of the truck. Only two cats remained after 3 months in Indiana. This may have been an indicator on how life would drastically change in our family. It did.

Psalm 119:76 May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant. (NIV)

I found the leisurely Saturday morning routine comforting in filling the washer with a week’s worth of towels, loading and unloading the dishwasher, in between sips of hot coffee, ladled with more cream, than coffee. Simple routines were comforting for this mid-forties widow. No additional thought is required to do chores. They are a “to do” that I can actually get done until it needs to be done again. It is easy to see the fruit of your labors in completing these tasks.

It is really easy for a widow to become overwhelmed with concern over her children, financial stress, working full-time and part-time jobs, and trying to maintain a home or lifestyle that just will not work anymore. The only true and lasting comfort this widow has found comes from the Lord’s presence and his promise of His unfailing love.

Mrs. ... Who?

Mrs… Who?

I remember my wedding in flashes, similar to the pictures in my wedding album. I was on auto pilot for most of the day as so much time and energy had been invested in the planning of the wedding. I was glad we paid to have a person videotape our wedding, because when my husband and I watched it every anniversary it was like an out of body experience. I could not eat at our wedding reception, so my husband bought our first meal of chili and slaw dogs from a Dairy Queen when we arrived at our hotel. That was the day I became a Mrs. Our wedding demonstrated our choice and commitment “to love each other until death do us part.” The images of my husband’s unexpected death and planning of his funeral was similar to the wedding; I was on auto pilot, not fully realizing how this event was going to change my life and identity. What is difficult about widowhood is you become this new identity of “widow” or “widower” without any involvement in the decision making; it is dictated to you by the painful circumstances of losing your spouse. Whether the death is prolonged or sudden, the results are the same. There was a period of time when I held onto the title of Mrs. David Woodbridge, because it made me feel safe and secure. Later, I thought I needed to accept my singlehood… the embracing singlehood would take time. Singleness is different at forty something and the term “widow” seems to embrace the singleness, but not lose touch with the fact that I was once happily married. So the struggle for the widow is her identity. Who is she? The old and new testament scriptures indicate that she is a protected person that the Lord will defend, provide for, and give justice to the widow.

Psalm 68:4-5 Sing to God, sing praise to his name, extol him who rides on the clouds his name is the LORD—and rejoice before him. A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. (NIV)

Deuteronomy 10:18 He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the alien, giving him food and clothing. (NIV)

Psalm 82:3-4; Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed. Rescue the weak and needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked. (NIV)

Psalm 146:9 The LORD watches over the alien and sustains the fatherless and the widow, but he frustrates the ways of the wicked. (NIV)

Proverbs 15:25 The LORD tears down the proud man's house, but he keeps the widow's boundaries intact. (NIV)

Isaiah 1:17 learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow. (NIV)

I Timothy 5:3 Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need. (NIV)

James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. (NIV)

The following scriptures also gives warning to those who would take advantage, oppress, or ignores those widows in need.

Deuteronomy 24:17 Do not deprive the alien or the fatherless of justice, or take the cloak of the widow as a pledge. (NIV)

Exodus 22:22-24 Do not take advantage of a widow or an orphan. If you do and they cry out to me, I will certainly hear their cry. My anger will be aroused, and I will kill you with the sword; your wives will become widows and your children fatherless. (NIV)

Job 31:16 - 22 If I have denied the desires of the poor or let the eyes of the widow grow weary, if I have kept my bread to myself, not sharing it with the fatherless- but from my youth I reared him as would a father, and from my birth I guided the widow- if I have seen anyone perishing for lack of clothing, or a needy man without a garment, and his heart did not bless me for warming him with the fleece from my sheep, if I have raised my hand against the fatherless, knowing that I had influence in court, then let my arm fall from the shoulder, let it be broken off at the joint. (NIV)

Isaiah 10:1-2 Woe to those who make unjust laws, to those who issue oppressive decrees, to deprive the poor of their rights and withhold justice from the oppressed of my people, making widows their prey and robbing the fatherless. (NIV)

Jeremiah 22:3 This is what the LORD says: Do what is just and right. Rescue from the hand of his oppressor the one who has been robbed. Do no wrong or violence to the alien, the fatherless or the widow, and do not shed innocent blood in this place. (NIV)

Zechariah 7:10 Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the alien or the poor. In your hearts do not think evil of each other. (NIV)

Malachi 3:5 "So I will come near to you for judgment. I will be quick to testify against sorcerers, adulterers and perjurers, against those who defraud laborers of their wages, who oppress the widows and the fatherless, and deprive aliens of justice, but do not fear me," says the LORD Almighty. (NIV)

Mark 12:40 As he taught, Jesus said, "Watch out for the teachers of the law. They like to walk around in flowing robes and be greeted in the marketplaces, and have the most important seats in the synagogues and the places of honor at banquets.They devour widows' houses and for a show make lengthy prayers. Such men will be punished most severely. (NIV)

Luke 20:46-47 "Beware of the teachers of the law. They like to walk around in flowing robes and love to be greeted in the marketplaces and have the most important seats in the synagogues and the places of honor at banquets. They devour widows' houses and for a show make lengthy prayers. Such men will be punished most severely." (NIV)

I found it very encouraging as a widow to see that we are of great value to the Lord. It does not mean that we will not have difficulties or that we will not be taken advantage of in this life. Every widow has the opportunity to make a decision to honor her Lord, her husband, and herself and allow the Lord to prove daily He is at work in her life. It helps to know who she is in the Lord, when the world seems overturned.

Christmas Limbo

What is Christmas Limbo? It is a place and time that makes one feel stuck between past and present Christmas. Now don’t get me wrong… I know I have blessings all around me. My children, home, a good job, pets who adore me, new friends, and a faithful, ever present, Lord. In my southern expression, "I am just not feelin’ it (the holiday spirit) right now. " I feel worn out, lack luster, and generally feel sad. I miss sharing this time with my beloved. It takes an incredible level of energy to celebrate the holidays. I also think that once the gifts are opened that this special day will be but a memory easily replaced by older fonder Christmas memories with Dave.



I have done all the obligatory tasks. I have shopped for my son and daughter, ordered food, and decorated the inside of the home. I have been touched by the Christmas carols and songs about the Christmas Shoes. I have remembered the Christmas story and know that the lesson learned is “All is Well” and our Savior makes this life worth living.



I just don’t feel enough this Christmas to go through the motions of making today like Christmas past. It isn't going to be. A common widow expression is, "It is what it is." It is our way of coping with the truth of our reality.



I just feel empty, overlooked, and unlovely. Lord, I know these things are not the truth, but I need my heart filled up again. I need the zest for living this life and living it well. I need to be appreciated and cared for. I need your arms around me this night, so that I feel your protection. Renew your spirit within me. Give me hope and allow me to see things as they are in the light of your love.



I have wonderful friends who have invited me over for Christmas dinner and I am grateful, but this work has to be done on the inside out of me. I have to know that "All is Well" and "It is Well with My Soul" to truly enjoy Christmas and get out of the Christmas Limbo mindset.



When I researched the scriptures on the birth of Christ, the question struck me as to why would I ever expect this to be easy when Jesus' birth was not ideal.

Matthew 1:18 This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit. (NIV)

Mary and Joseph chose to be obedient to the Lord in their circumstances.

Matthew 1:22-23 All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: "The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel"which means, "God with us."

I hold that reassurance in my heart that God is with us, even in Christmas Limbo. That can put this Christmas and Christmas's to come in a whole new perspective.

BZZZZ! Too Busy to Grieve

BZZZZ! Too Busy to Grieve

BZZZZ! Bzzzzz!
Buzzing around from here to there!
Buzzing to and fro
from who know knows where?

Unanswered questions in early morning darkness raised.
Four in the morning and contemplating the days.
What am I doing? How can I do this?
Fear of failure, dread and loss. Fear of losing others and myself.
Overwhelmed, driven, overworked to try to compensate.
Pride reduced to fight or flight and finally exhaustion.
No sleep; no rest. No personal best.
Learning good lessons at what price?
To the mind and body stressed and ready to break.

Lord, hold me; my redeemer.
I know you are at work in my life, but I am so sad, tired, and alone.
I know you are there as I can see the stars in the dark night.
Others counting on me to give my best.
Lord, please give me rest.

Open my heart and let the healing begin.
Release forgiveness and fill me with love, compassion, and joy.
I need you more than breath itself.
Life without you is darkness and void.

Protect my heart and the joy that you bring,
Raise my downcast spirit so that I may sing,
Of your enduring, compassionate love through out the days.
I will surrender and offer you the praise.

Busyness gives widows the false sense that they are in control when every area of life is as shaky as standing on jello. Widows believe they have lost their human protector, best friend, and soulmate. They are overwhelmed with providing emotional, spiritual, and financial responsibilities for their family and often do not take care of themselves or allow themselves time to grieve.

Others commonly ask, "How are you doing?" The young widow asks herself the following question, "Do they really want to know? What will you do if I fall apart as I try to answer your question truthfully as the tears are brimming right now?" Instead, I reply "Fine" and then quickly excuse myself.

Psalm 34:18: The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (NIV)

This scripture is like a long, warm, hug to a widow from a friend when she understands that the Lord weeps alongside of her because of his compassionate love for her. Another incident of Jesus' compassion to a widow is found in the next scripture.

Luke 7:12-15: As he approached the town gate, a dead person was being carried out - the only son of his mother, and she was a widow. And a large crowd from the town was with her. When the Lord saw her, his heart went out to her and he said, "Don't cry." Then he went up and touched the coffin, and those carrying it stood still. He said, "Young man, I say to you to get up!" The dead man sat up and began to talk, and Jesus gave him back to his mother. (NIV)

As I have studied these scriptures, I am left wondering... Why did Jesus heal the son and not heal all others? Why is it significant that the scripture identifies the mother as a widow? Why did he ask her to stop crying? Of course a mother is going to cry when her child dies. Was it because he knew he would bring her a blessing by healing the son? I wonder what the son said to the mother after his miraculous healing?

All I know is that Jesus had compassion on this mother and widow. Surely, he will have compassion on me, my children, and my circumstances. Allow the tears to flow and the healing to begin. Let the name of the Lord be praised!

Sunday is the Loneliest Day

Sunday is the loneliest day of the week for this widow. I am not sure how to explain the loneliness I feel in a church service, even when I am actively worshiping in a community of other believers. Today’s churches are very couples and family oriented. It is a constant reminder for me in my missing my husband.

I have wonderful memories of going to church when it was always a family affair. I enjoyed sitting in the service with my husband, his arm around my shoulders, or gently squeezing my hand. Dave had a loud base voice that people sitting in front of him would turn to see who was singing at maximum volume. He would always sing the hymns like “How Great Thou Art” with a loud base voice and my low alto voice would blend in with his. Our son would sit on the right side of Dave and our daughter would sit to the left of me. Inevitably, Dave would fall asleep in the middle of the sermon because his excuse was that he had been sitting still in one place too long. He loved the music and God’s Word. Juli inherited her love of music from Dave and loves to sing in adult choirs. Josh is going through a period of time where he avoided church like the plague and I sat in the pew alone.

Our past church celebrated couple anniversaries when they were married 50 years or more by posting the couple’s pictures on the screen during the fellowship time of the church service. Dave and I used to joke about how many years of marriage left to go before our pictures would be displayed on the Imax for the 50th wedding anniversary. We were faithfully married for 18 and a half years before Dave went home and I believe God honors that.

Now, I have to ask the question … where do young widows with children fit within the church? I have to admit that the tendency to become isolated within a church community is a real tendency with this particular widow. It is in part, a form of self preservation as I did not want to be perceived as a threat to other married ladies. I wanted to live a life of integrity and to live independently seemed to be the best path to take.

Joining an Adult Single class in my forties just did not seem appropriate as it was often viewed as a “meat market” for singles to become married. If the single males were not initially attracted to you, then they were not generally interested in getting to know you either. I believe that friendship is the basis for all good relationships.

I joined a women’s Sunday School Class which initiated female friendship, but my life experiences limited what I had in common with them. My widowhood seemed to scare the wives that this could indeed happen to them. I joined the church Grief Share Support group where I received good information on how to cope with my grief and put it in a Christian perspective.

I did not bond with others who were grieving until I joined a weekly Young Widow’s Fellowship for lunch where we were invited to actually talk about our losses and how we were dealing with my grief. We share with each other the sorrow, our fears, the angry moments, and laughter every week during lunch. There were prayer requests and scriptures via emails, cards, valentine and celebration birthdays together and these events and thoughtfulness sustained my faith. The weekly fellowship led to an opportunity for the ladies and I to share a presentation on “Graceful Grieving” with other grieving spouses and parents in the Day of Healing on Nov. 1, 2008, sponsored by the Wabash Friends Church.

We were anxious, but felt certain that the Lord could use our stories to encourage others that were grieving.

My attitude has changed since I first began this reflection. Because of the fellowship of other widows and the Lord revealing himself through scripture study that I was looking at the gap in churches all wrong. Read about the widow Anna in Luke 2:36-38 to see what I mean.

Luke 2:36-38: There was also a prophetess, Anna, the daughter of Phanuel, of the tribe of Asher. She was very old; she had lived with her husband seven years after her marriage, and then was a widow until she was eighty-four. She never left the temple but worshiped night and day, fasting and praying. Coming up to them at that very moment, she gave thanks to God and spoke about the child to all who were looking forward to the redemption of Jerusalem.(NIV)

Anna, somewhere along the line in her grief, made a choice to worship anytime through prayer and fasting. She chose to be visible within the temple. I know the Lord took care of Anna and chose her to be blessed with viewing Jesus Christ.

So how I have resolved this dilemma of finding how I fit into the church? I still have not found a concrete answer, but in searching the scriptures my attitude will change. I love the Lord and trust him implicitly with my past, present, and future, so I choose to worship.