"If given all the pieces, God will mend a broken heart." Anonymous
Rending is defined by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary online as “to tear (the hair or clothing) as a sign of anger, grief, or despair” (para. 1). The Biblical precedent for this custom is Jacob's rending of his clothes in mourning over Joseph, his son, whom he presumed dead (Genesis 37:34)( The Jewish Life Information Center, n.d., para. 6)
The Boca Jewish Funeral website (n.d.) described why mourners perform the ritual of K'riah, known as the rending of the garment.
This ancient custom is symbolic of the tear that's in the mourner's heart. Traditionally the clothing is torn, but many people today use a black ribbon that is attached to the outside of the clothing. When people see the ribbon, or the tear in the clothing, it is a sign that that person is a mourner. Mourners are already uncomfortable and when we see them, if we avoid talking to them or ignore the fact
that they are mourners, it adds to their feelings of loneliness and isolation. (para. 10-11)
This family was in mourning and it tore our relationships. Each of us handled grief differently. After Dave's passing, I thought my son handled the loss of Dave remarkably well. He was talking and asking questions about who would do the things Dad always did? He cried. He was twelve, but in a month would turn 13. It was a difficult time to lose a father, but then I knew there was ever really a good time to lose one.
In becoming a teenager, he talked less with me and more with his friends. Then he stopped talking about his grief altogether and turned inward. I realized that he handled his grief openly in the beginning, as well as, he was developmentally ready. I also have experienced how grief hits in unexpected waves at unexpected times and that grief is not linear.
My son did not handle the move to Indiana well at all. He was usually hostile at home. Florida was always better and considered home. Since I had to work full-time, my son had too much unstructured down time. This led to poor decision making and resulted in the need to return to Jacksonville.
Sometimes the unexpected rending occurs within family relationships well after the funeral. The last part of 2007 and most of 2008 brought about a rending in my relationship with my son. It was a dark time where I had to literally give my son into the care of God and others. I resented it, did not understand it, and just wanted to hold onto him for dear life.
However, I felt I had to honor his request and that it was the right course of action even though it resulted in a painful experience. It was also a better alternative than juvenile detention or teenage suicide. Yes, he had these thoughts and shared them with me. My child was homesick for a place he knew well and felt safe in. Jacksonville is where he needed to heal from his grief and his disillusionment with life. My son needed a family intact with a male influence. We were blessed to have the church family care for him during this time. He needed the security that returning to home would provide. It was a safe place to grieve and he needed a man in his present everyday life to model how to become a man.
I mourned again for my son and what looked hopeless and knew he had to deal with his grief in his own time, way, and even a different location. The more I tried to hold on, the more alienated he became.
However, after some time, mending began to occur. I had a good talk with my son. I sensed he was coming to peace with himself. He says every time he feels down, he still senses the urge for alcohol but he knows that will not work. He was purposely not dating girls, because he knows he cannot trust himself. He wanted to spend more time with Grandpa Woodbridge and getting back to church. He enjoyed being with Grandpa when he taught his Sunday School class. I was pleased at what he is learning about himself and hopeful that in the future, the outcome of this experience will later be called a blessing.
I hoped and prayed that one day our relationship would be restored. There were not many phone calls during our 12 month separation. When I was asked how my son was doing, I really did not have much to say. There were colleagues who questioned my decision of letting my son go and others who faithfully prayed for my son and I.
I found scriptural encouragement from my boss who shared his life experiences that were similar to my son. He convinced me that my son would return and restore our relationship just as he had with his mother. No time-line was given, but his shared experiences raised my hopes and gave me the ability to wait to see what God would do.
How does the parable of the persistent widow apply to my prayer life?
I love that Jesus tells us parables as they are real life stories. Luke 18:1-8 was a parable about a judge and a persistent widow who sought legal protection from an adversary. Jesus revealed that we should always pray and not to lose heart. He explained further in Luke 11:5-10 where a friend asks another friend for 3 loaves of bread and it is already past the time for bed. The friend does not refuse this friend’s request because he wants to help, but because of the other friend's persistence he will get up and give him what he needs. I would need to be persistent in my prayers for my son and the restoration of our relationship and then allow the Lord to work in our lives.
My son surprised me on Thanksgiving Day by telling me he was coming home for Christmas. I was glad, but afraid that our behavior patterns would be repeated and that would not make a peaceful Christmas. We talked a few weeks before his visit about making this a peaceful Christmas. He agreed that was what he wanted as well.
I have really enjoyed getting to know my son again. He has matured. He left as a child and returned a young man. I have learned to give him room to make his own decisions. By showing him this respect, he also demonstrates a respectful attitude towards me and has been very helpful around the house. Woo-hoo! He even asked to stay an additional week.
There is a time to rend and a time to mend. Solomon wrote something similar in Ecclesiastes 3:1-3 There is a time for everything …a time to tear down and a time to build.”(NIV) I am thankful that the Lord works in our lives… sometimes we have periods of life that seem to be heavily “under construction” that is the tearing down, but God never leaves you that way.
He is a God of restoration and he will rebuild something even more remarkable than we can envision when we give him the rubble of our lives.
References
The Jewish Life Information Center (n.d). The Ceremony. Retreived on Dec. 22, 2008 from http://eng.itim.org.il/?CategoryID=207&ArticleID=241
The Boca Jewish Funeral. (n.d.). Traditions & Customs. Retreived on Dec. 22, 2008 from http://www.bocajewishfunerals.com/traditions_customs.html
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